The Waiting Game
Currently Jason and I are playing a very fun game known as the "waiting game" (insert plenty of sarcasm here). It's the kind of game that many adoptive families are well aware of. It's sort of like living out those last few weeks/months of a pregnancy except for one small part: there is no end in sight. I cannot have the comfort of the 42 weeks at the most timeline.
Waiting is hard. In the last 9 months our book has been shown at least 10 times, we have been matched twice and we have had 2 failed adoptions. After our last adoption fell through, I prayed (I think everyone did) that we wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. We prayed for our baby to be a simple phone call away, not a roller coaster of meetings and emotions.
In the last few weeks our book has been shown to 3 different birth moms. When I finally could not take the waiting anymore, I emailed our case worker to ask if there was any news. One mom had picked her family the day before and the other mom had her baby and placed. (Heart sink). The third mom is still looking at books and trying to decide, but from what I heard she is more interested in an older couple.
Today I got a call for a 2 month old baby. I was in the bathroom at our local indoor park when I noticed that I had a missed call and voice mail from our agency (that number on my screen always makes my heart start to race). I returned the call when I got out to my car and our social worker told me that the baby had numerous health problems. She sent me an email and I reviewed it and burst into tears. THIS is not what I am waiting for. It was heart breaking. I won't go into detail but the list of medical problems made it seem that this baby might not survive.
Instantly my bitterness seeped in. I just want a healthy newborn baby.. is that so hard to ask? I don't want a call about a baby that will have to have brain surgery and can't take a bottle without oxygen levels sinking. My heart hurt at the thoughts going through my mind. I felt ashamed and angry. I called my sister to vent and bitterly tell her that I got my call for my baby. I cried.
I hate it, but these are the feelings, the pain.
I despise waiting. But I assume from what people tell me that the waiting is just like a blip on the screen of life once you actually hold your son/daughter. Waiting is nothing, just like the pain of delivery is nothing once that baby is in your arms.
Some days are harder than others and this is a hard day.
Waiting is hard. In the last 9 months our book has been shown at least 10 times, we have been matched twice and we have had 2 failed adoptions. After our last adoption fell through, I prayed (I think everyone did) that we wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. We prayed for our baby to be a simple phone call away, not a roller coaster of meetings and emotions.
In the last few weeks our book has been shown to 3 different birth moms. When I finally could not take the waiting anymore, I emailed our case worker to ask if there was any news. One mom had picked her family the day before and the other mom had her baby and placed. (Heart sink). The third mom is still looking at books and trying to decide, but from what I heard she is more interested in an older couple.
Today I got a call for a 2 month old baby. I was in the bathroom at our local indoor park when I noticed that I had a missed call and voice mail from our agency (that number on my screen always makes my heart start to race). I returned the call when I got out to my car and our social worker told me that the baby had numerous health problems. She sent me an email and I reviewed it and burst into tears. THIS is not what I am waiting for. It was heart breaking. I won't go into detail but the list of medical problems made it seem that this baby might not survive.
Instantly my bitterness seeped in. I just want a healthy newborn baby.. is that so hard to ask? I don't want a call about a baby that will have to have brain surgery and can't take a bottle without oxygen levels sinking. My heart hurt at the thoughts going through my mind. I felt ashamed and angry. I called my sister to vent and bitterly tell her that I got my call for my baby. I cried.
I hate it, but these are the feelings, the pain.
I despise waiting. But I assume from what people tell me that the waiting is just like a blip on the screen of life once you actually hold your son/daughter. Waiting is nothing, just like the pain of delivery is nothing once that baby is in your arms.
Some days are harder than others and this is a hard day.
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