New beginnings.

Dearest Baby K,

Daddy and I had a conversation last night that I can't seem to get out of my head today. It was one of those rare moments where we actually had time together, alone, where the past seemed to be begging to be relived right there in our living room. We talked about you, Baby K. How we did the last 2 years. How we made it through. Your daddy asked me, "How did we even do it?" What he means is all of the scares, the pain, the anxiety, the ups and downs, every negative phone call or email. Our emotions rode on each one of these things. If we got some good news, we would be floating on cloud 9 for days, but all it took was one visit asking which foster parent would be willing to travel back to NYC to drop you off at your birth fathers house and we were a reduced to a weeping child in a heap on the floor.

I told him about me being in complete denial for the longest time that you were ever going to go to NY. He told me about taking you on a walk to the soccer fields by our old house and how he cried thinking about you leaving us. I told him about the moment I walked up to our house with you fast asleep on my shoulder and for the first time the worst fear I have EVER felt gripped my heart like an iron fist. I feared living my life without you. What I would do if you ever left us. My whole life was based around you. Everything I did revolved around you, my life was consumed with you.




And then I told daddy about the peace that I had at times that didn't even make sense. How I would give the situation to God and then be able to live my life without thinking about you leaving 24/7. I would literally have moments where I forgot you were a foster child and all of the current circumstance and just enjoy you.

I told your daddy that I believe in God more than I ever did 2 years ago. My trust in Him is stronger. I can rest in His loving arms knowing that He has my future mapped out and it will be better than I could've ever planned myself. I still worry Baby K, but it is less. I still try to plan out our future as a family, but then I laugh knowing it may be completely different. I still wish for a sibling everyday for you, but I get sad much less often knowing that when he or she comes it will be the best circumstances ever. I still get sad and emotional when I see others carrying their brand new babies, but I can rejoice with them now in the midst of sadness. Baby K, you truly have a whole new mother than you had two years ago. I am a better mom and a better person, because Jesus has made me that way.

It's so weird that as of 2 days ago I could finally stop praying for us to be able to adopt you. It really is weird not having to pray about that anymore, but I have so many new things to pray for now! Like your future, your relationship with God, your future wife (you're marrying me, of course), and on and on goes the NEW list! K, I am so excited for what the future holds for you, our family and the lives that your precious life touches.

Here is to new beginnings and the start of our forever family.... I don't think I could ever have loved a child more.

 

I love you so much,

Love, mommy