Casting my cares

For all of my readers who may be in suspense about our match meeting (OR maybe you don't care and just wanna see photos of THIS cutie)...

...It went well. The mother we met was very sweet, we had a lot in common (we both really like game nights) and she had a strong relationship with God. She even asked Jason and I to share our testimonies of how we came to know Jesus and invite Him into our lives. It was very important to her that her baby be raised in a Christian home. We talked for about 2 hours about our backgrounds, what kind of open adoption that we had in mind, what our day to day life looked like, what we liked to do and even found out that she is a Beaver fan!

Overall, the meeting went very smooth and we will find out if she wants to meet with us again most likely on Monday.

Jason and I have been praying very hard for the baby that is meant for us and we know God will bring us this specific child in his time. I don't know if this baby is the one and to be honest, even when everything seems meant to be (like with the situation with Ariah), sometimes it just doesn't work out. I will never know why and each time it becomes harder to meet with a birth mom and not be scared to put my heart out there once again. I was talking to my mother-in-love last night and telling her that losing Ariah felt like a tremendous loss and hurt. I've never had a miscarriage and don't claim to know what one feels like, but I might imagine it felt similar. Getting my hopes up so high and expecting this baby to fill the empty nest in my heart, felt incredibly painful to have that jerked out from under us.

September 12, 2012: Taken at Starbucks right before the match meeting.

It's hard too, because I don't feel pregnant. For me it's simply I either get a baby or don't. After a loss so huge as Ariah it's harder for me to get as excited for possible adoption situations. I think I am afraid of the looming grief. It's like it is telling me, "Just when you start to feel like you are getting this baby, I am going have the mom change her mind at the hospital or have the birth father serve custody papers, or even worse have the birth mom choose another family at the last second." 

I know these fears may seem dramatic or irrational to some, but they are there. Ever like a dark cloud above, just daring me to dream of having a baby. They terrify me. The thought of never being able to love the baby that I get or the fear of rejection when the child sees me not as him or her real mom.

It helped me to find out that other moms, pregnant mothers sometime even struggle with this feeling. Wondering if they will love the child they are carrying as much as the others. Or even feeling like my next oldest child will not longer be the "baby". This helps me to know that these fears aren't just my own and that others who have even biological children can still feel this way. 

Please, I beg you, don't read this post wrong. I KNOW that I will love my baby in my heart. I know this, but sometimes irrational thoughts run away with me and I forget to trust God and know that He cares about me so much and has good things for Jason and I. He has the best plans for us. I have to take everything to Him because I know he will help me with all of these fears.

"Cast your cares upon the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken."

Psalm 55:22

Excuse me while I go do some casting...