5 years.

Dear baby,

Today (and yesterday) was an especially hard day for me. It has been 5 years today since I've known that I wouldn't be able to carry a baby. Every year around this time I start having flashbacks to the time when I was lying in the hospital bed receiving the news from the surgeon.

I was still waking up from being under anesthesia and everything seemed like a blur. The news. The moments, hours and days that followed. Your soon to be daddy telling me that he loved me for the first time.

I realized a lot of things during that time, but I am still realizing more and more as the years pass by. Maybe that is why I am so anxious to have you. Because I have been waiting for 5 years.

It seemed that I noticed every baby in the mall yesterday as my mom and I walked around. I saw twins girls in a double stroller, pregnant bellies, newborns curled against their mommy's chest, little baby girl and boy onesies and outfits in display cases. My heart literally hurt when I saw these things. I find myself looking at a newborn baby and instantly tearing up. I NEVER used to do that.

Last night my throat closed up as I tried to hold back tears that threatened to take over me. I did my best to push them back and close the door to self pity and hurt. But it didn't work. I cried and cried. Sometimes it's good to have a good cry and let it out. I know that I can live my life everyday like this, but around May 31st I start to get more emotional about things. I start to get desperate for you.

My arms literally ache to hold you.

Today we went up to Catholic Charities in Portland for an intake interview. This is who we are getting our independent adoption home study through. So we were able to get fingerprinted, sign a bunch of papers, pay $1500 and be on our way to having a home study by August (fingers crossed). We also found out that if we were to adopt through them as an agency the cost would be about $22,5oo. Better than another agency we were looking into, but still we cannot yet afford that.

So we are still looking for a birth mom..

I am praying for a lot of things and know that God already has you picked out for us. I just hope you come soon. Jason and I went on a lovely date in Portland after our interview today and spent the afternoon and evening walking around the city and reading in Powell's Bookstore. I snapped a few photos...