From the Pages of my Diary
We didn't get the baby.
To say that I am disappointed would be an understatement. I cried over a baby that I had never even met, but one that I had bought diapers and a soft yellow blankie for. One that I had bought a car seat for and set up a cradle for. The social worker called me on Monday and said she thought there was a pretty big chance that the judge was not going to grant the state custody of the baby. And the judge didn't. I had the car seat installed and ready to go. The diaper bag packed to the fullest and in the car...
I waited for the hearing to be over until 5:30 on Tuesday and then the case worker called to tell me that the mom was taking the baby home. I felt so let down. So... I just keep praying and doing my best to trust God even in this sad time...
It's really weird but every time I lose a chance to get a baby It's almost like having a miscarriage. I know i've never had one before but sometimes i feel like comparing it to that. It's like I know a baby exists and is on the horizon of coming to me. I get excited and buy a few things, tell everyone I know, and start planning for the future and then just like that the baby is gone.
It's like a mean trick. It's like the baby is just out of my reach. My point is that it still hurts even though I never held the baby or met her. I still cry. I still hold my breath so the tears don't accidentally spill when someone asks if I am okay.
When I came home Tuesday night and cried to see the empty cradle beside my bed, I wondered how the birth mom would feel if she went home with empty arms after carrying that baby for 9 months, birthing her and then having her taken away. It may have been too much for her.
At least I have Jesus. She probably doesn't. I am able to go on and she might have not been able to.
And I just want everyone to know that the car seat is still buckled tightly in the back of my car. I am keeping it there as a sign of my faith that a baby is coming soon.
To say that I am disappointed would be an understatement. I cried over a baby that I had never even met, but one that I had bought diapers and a soft yellow blankie for. One that I had bought a car seat for and set up a cradle for. The social worker called me on Monday and said she thought there was a pretty big chance that the judge was not going to grant the state custody of the baby. And the judge didn't. I had the car seat installed and ready to go. The diaper bag packed to the fullest and in the car...
I waited for the hearing to be over until 5:30 on Tuesday and then the case worker called to tell me that the mom was taking the baby home. I felt so let down. So... I just keep praying and doing my best to trust God even in this sad time...
It's really weird but every time I lose a chance to get a baby It's almost like having a miscarriage. I know i've never had one before but sometimes i feel like comparing it to that. It's like I know a baby exists and is on the horizon of coming to me. I get excited and buy a few things, tell everyone I know, and start planning for the future and then just like that the baby is gone.
It's like a mean trick. It's like the baby is just out of my reach. My point is that it still hurts even though I never held the baby or met her. I still cry. I still hold my breath so the tears don't accidentally spill when someone asks if I am okay.
When I came home Tuesday night and cried to see the empty cradle beside my bed, I wondered how the birth mom would feel if she went home with empty arms after carrying that baby for 9 months, birthing her and then having her taken away. It may have been too much for her.
At least I have Jesus. She probably doesn't. I am able to go on and she might have not been able to.
And I just want everyone to know that the car seat is still buckled tightly in the back of my car. I am keeping it there as a sign of my faith that a baby is coming soon.
Comments
I love you baby
Hugs,
Jessica