The Questions of Me
Growing up I always had to know what was going on, when things were happening and how they were taking place. And let's just say that this whole adoption/not being able to carry a baby/ foster care/ WHEN THE HECK WILL I EVER GET A KID??? can be extremely frustrating to me.
The reason why is because I cannot predict the future.
Not that you always can even when all is going smoothly, but you especially cannot when you never know if "this will be the one." If you are pregnant with your own baby, it's pretty safe to assume that the baby you're carrying is going to be yours. I'm not gonna lie that the thought of WHAT IF didn't cross my mind with my first foster kids. You always think what if? Always.
What if this baby was going to be yours forever?
What if you missed bringing the baby home from the hospital because it was just another foster baby and you didn't wanna make any waves by taking off work?
What if you didn't take enough pictures because you weren't sure if this one was going to be your own?
What if you just guard your heart so much that you always tell people "she's not mine"?
And then the hardest question;
What if you fell in love like she was your own and then the baby leaves?
This is what I am struggling with and what I always struggle with. Then comes the question that many people ask. Well then WHY do you do it? Why do you put yourself through the pain?
You know what the answer is?
WHAT IF? What if she is mine. What if she is meant to be mine forever? Then everything changes.
I am not a fortune teller and I cannot tell you what will happen in the distant future. I cannot tell you how my baby sent from the stars will arrive.
But I do have to say that when your husband has to wrap his arms around you and tell you, "this is not your baby sent from the stars," it breaks your heart. Because you do have to tell yourself that. Over and over.
You have to force yourself not to get too excited, or too happy, or too emotional, or too close.
But honestly, that is not possible.
The reason why is because I cannot predict the future.
Not that you always can even when all is going smoothly, but you especially cannot when you never know if "this will be the one." If you are pregnant with your own baby, it's pretty safe to assume that the baby you're carrying is going to be yours. I'm not gonna lie that the thought of WHAT IF didn't cross my mind with my first foster kids. You always think what if? Always.
What if this baby was going to be yours forever?
What if you missed bringing the baby home from the hospital because it was just another foster baby and you didn't wanna make any waves by taking off work?
What if you didn't take enough pictures because you weren't sure if this one was going to be your own?
What if you just guard your heart so much that you always tell people "she's not mine"?
And then the hardest question;
What if you fell in love like she was your own and then the baby leaves?
This is what I am struggling with and what I always struggle with. Then comes the question that many people ask. Well then WHY do you do it? Why do you put yourself through the pain?
You know what the answer is?
WHAT IF? What if she is mine. What if she is meant to be mine forever? Then everything changes.
I am not a fortune teller and I cannot tell you what will happen in the distant future. I cannot tell you how my baby sent from the stars will arrive.
But I do have to say that when your husband has to wrap his arms around you and tell you, "this is not your baby sent from the stars," it breaks your heart. Because you do have to tell yourself that. Over and over.
You have to force yourself not to get too excited, or too happy, or too emotional, or too close.
But honestly, that is not possible.
Comments
I am a huge advocate for foster care. We were made to love risky and extraordinary! SO LOVE THEM!!!!! I am thinking of you!
Brooke Annessa
www.theannessafamily.blogspot.com
Thanks for your honesty and helping us/me see what this is like for you.