The tough topic: open adoption
We had our final meeting with the mother of our baby to be on Wednesday and it went really well! We talked about exciting things such as names (still haven't decided), hospital plan, adoption ceremony, and an open adoption plan.
If you have known me for a while, you will realize I have come a LONG way with understanding open adoption. I used to be terrified of the idea. Some things that helped shape my new view of open adoption were taking a 10 hour (2 day) course in Portland called Adoption Mosaic. Jason and I both really learned many of the benefits of an open adoption including trust, truth, medical history, family history/heritage, strong relationships, and confidence. The child can have confidence in knowing who he/she's birth mother is, about their past and can therefore feel completely confident in who Jason and I are, and that is, the parents.
Many adoptive parents and well meaning friends and family fear that having a relationship with the birth mother and possibly family will confuse the child. Actually the opposite has shown true. Children who know who their birth mother is have a high confidence in their adoption situation and are not afraid to ask questions about their past. They understand their birth story and their adoption story and are not afraid to share it with others because they understand it themselves. Knowing their birth mother takes fearful ideas out of their head as well. Ideas such as rejection, fearing that their birth mother doesn't known where they are at, or if they are safe etc.
Also, many children and teenagers have great imaginations that can run wild with ideas who their birth mother is/was and usually they imagine them as FAR better/more exciting than their adoptive parents (especially when they have been disciplined:)) When they have actually met their birth mom, those fantasies are put into perspective.
I of course know that open adoption is not always an option due to unsafe circumstances and even other circumstances out of our control (death of the birth parent, abandonment, orphans, or even that the birth mom is not comfortable with contact). BUT if the mother is willing, I believe open adoption is one of the most healing forms of adoption and best gift you could give to your child. It is healing for them because although they do suffer loss, it is not as great. It is healing for the birth mother because she can grieve in a healthy way while having the assurance that her baby is safe, loved and well cared for.
Our open adoption will consist of a few visits a year, a letter and hard copy pictures every other month, a private blog and Skype dates :)
We feel fortunate to have a birth mother that will love her baby as much as we will and is making probably the hardest, most unselfish decision that I think anyone could ever make and that is that she is entrusting her child to us.
Trust me, at times the idea to have a closed adoption and pretend they adoption never occurred were in my head but I have learned soooo much in these past 2 years. The main thing that helped shape my view of open adoption was meeting "her". The birth mom and realizing that in so many ways she is just like me. We both are walking down paths we never thought we would. Both are full of fear and uncertainty and both have different endings than we thought we'd have. Because of this I cannot wait to welcome her into our family as well as her little one.
Our journey is turning a very exciting corner. Only 2 weeks and 6 days (I'm not counting or anything!)
If you have known me for a while, you will realize I have come a LONG way with understanding open adoption. I used to be terrified of the idea. Some things that helped shape my new view of open adoption were taking a 10 hour (2 day) course in Portland called Adoption Mosaic. Jason and I both really learned many of the benefits of an open adoption including trust, truth, medical history, family history/heritage, strong relationships, and confidence. The child can have confidence in knowing who he/she's birth mother is, about their past and can therefore feel completely confident in who Jason and I are, and that is, the parents.
Many adoptive parents and well meaning friends and family fear that having a relationship with the birth mother and possibly family will confuse the child. Actually the opposite has shown true. Children who know who their birth mother is have a high confidence in their adoption situation and are not afraid to ask questions about their past. They understand their birth story and their adoption story and are not afraid to share it with others because they understand it themselves. Knowing their birth mother takes fearful ideas out of their head as well. Ideas such as rejection, fearing that their birth mother doesn't known where they are at, or if they are safe etc.
Also, many children and teenagers have great imaginations that can run wild with ideas who their birth mother is/was and usually they imagine them as FAR better/more exciting than their adoptive parents (especially when they have been disciplined:)) When they have actually met their birth mom, those fantasies are put into perspective.
I of course know that open adoption is not always an option due to unsafe circumstances and even other circumstances out of our control (death of the birth parent, abandonment, orphans, or even that the birth mom is not comfortable with contact). BUT if the mother is willing, I believe open adoption is one of the most healing forms of adoption and best gift you could give to your child. It is healing for them because although they do suffer loss, it is not as great. It is healing for the birth mother because she can grieve in a healthy way while having the assurance that her baby is safe, loved and well cared for.
Our open adoption will consist of a few visits a year, a letter and hard copy pictures every other month, a private blog and Skype dates :)
We feel fortunate to have a birth mother that will love her baby as much as we will and is making probably the hardest, most unselfish decision that I think anyone could ever make and that is that she is entrusting her child to us.
Trust me, at times the idea to have a closed adoption and pretend they adoption never occurred were in my head but I have learned soooo much in these past 2 years. The main thing that helped shape my view of open adoption was meeting "her". The birth mom and realizing that in so many ways she is just like me. We both are walking down paths we never thought we would. Both are full of fear and uncertainty and both have different endings than we thought we'd have. Because of this I cannot wait to welcome her into our family as well as her little one.
Our journey is turning a very exciting corner. Only 2 weeks and 6 days (I'm not counting or anything!)
Comments
~Tiffany
Melanie McNitt
East Jordan MI
mkmcnitt@yahoo.com