More on my heart.

 So here are a few more from yesterday... Every time I see him I just want to soak in every part of him. Every newborn smell, from the sterile smell of the operating room to the freshly shampooed baby hair. I know he won't even look the exact same way today as he did yesterday and this is why I love coming back to these photos and just taking them in. Every moment.

It's hard to believe that just 19.5 months ago my Baby K and Brocky were this tiny (in fact, 2 pounds tinier). And now they are babbling, walking, talking toddlers who grew up in a blink of an eye. I still do my best to soak in every moment of Baby K everyday through the tantrums, the hugs, the kisses the snuggles, the "no's", the tears, and the laughs.

The other day my sister asked if this was hard. My sister has always been like that. Scrapbooking a card for me at midnight before Brock was born telling me my Baby Sent from the Stars was coming soon. She has always been extremely self-less, constantly caring and worrying about me. She was worried sick to tell me she was pregnant with Connor and it made me ashamed that she knew how bitter I was about pregnancies in the beginning.
 

Being there for the birth, seeing Connor come into the world, seeing my sister add to her family again, she wanted to know was it going to be hard. I replied that I was sincerely happy for her and her family; and I meant it. If you asked me the same question a few years ago, I would be lying if I said those words. Because come on people lets be real. It hurts sometimes. Knowing you're not going to be pregnant, never having snapshots of the baby bump, knowing that your baby will never "look" like you. Knowing that when he/she comes along there won't be the comments of "Oh he has your nose!" or "Those are definitely Jason's eyes!"



When my sister and I were having that conversation I told her that I felt that my baby was just around the corner. And I firmly believe that. We have been in the official waiting pool for 4 months, but have had a completed home study since December 2012 and have been officially waiting since last June. I know our baby is going to be here soon. It's just a matter of time.

Yes, there is still the pain that resurfaces every once in awhile, but it is less frequent and less painful. I know there are worse stories out there, I know people have awful tragedies with their births, and I know there are some people who have been waiting for a child a lot longer than I have.

And maybe sometimes this helps heal the pain, seeing how fortunate I am.

God has helped heal the pain. I know this for sure. Trusting in Him has healed a lot of bitterness and hurt.

Wonderful, positive, and strong family members have helped heal the pain. People who know you struggle and still except you as you are and forgive you when that bitterness seeps out.

Friends everywhere who pray for you and your struggles.



Friends (and sisters) who let you be an auntie to their newborns... and pray for you at your darkest moments. Thank you.