Choosing Hope (part 2)
"Naomi!" the nurse called me back to the clinic and everyone was all smiles, including me. I was hopeful for what was going to happen. I hoped to be told my uterine lining looked great (9-11mm) and that we were moving forward with our original transfer day Thursday, April 6 (just 6 days later). I knew immediately though, by how the doctor had a deep crease in his forehead and by what I saw on the ultrasound screen, that it was not going to be good news. "You have fluid in your uterus and your lining is very thin. Oh no, we cannot do the transfer like this. Oh it is very, very thin." As he kept saying how thin it was, I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I hate set backs, hiccups, whatever you want to call them. I think they remind me so much of all of our unknowns of adoption and all we went through with Koa and then the road to getting Norah. I just wanted it to work and work right.
For the first time since I could remember, I had the feeling of hating my body for failing me. Many infertile women talk about the feeling of their body "failing" them but I had NEVER felt that before. Maybe it was because I was so young when I first got my diagnosis of infertility (at just 17), or maybe it was because I'd always known that my body wouldn't conceive so I never really expected anything from it (fertility wise). The doctor extracted the fluid and prescribed me a few more medications, one to prevent infection and one to help blood flow (I guess this helps the lining?), so now I was on a total of 5 medications. They moved me to another conference room and I sat there waiting for my new medication calendar. Another nurse came in and asked me if it would work with my schedule to come back on April 14, 2 weeks later for another U/S. I fumbled through my carry-on bag to find my planner and flipped through the pages of my planner, fighting back tears. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't over yet, this was just a set back. I mumbled to her that the 14th would work and she left the conference room promising to return with my new prescriptions and meds calendar. I pushed the door a little more closed for some privacy cuz as I caught the excited, bold words of TRANSFER DAY written with such enthusiasm in my planner, my tears came like a flood. I crossed out the words and wrote in small print on the 20th, "tentative transfer day".
There was no enthusiasm.
The door burst open and the cheerful nurse started to hand me my new calendar and prescription, then she saw I was a blubbering mess. I kept apologizing and telling her "I'm sure it seems so silly that I'm crying about this, but i just had my hopes up and everything..." She hugged me and told me that she'd seen thin linings before and now one of those women was pregnant with twins. I smiled back gratefully and hopefully.
I have never before been so wrapped up in a few "dates". The transfer date, the pregnancy testing date (which would've been on Easter Sunday), the due date (around Christmas) etc. It was almost as if I was already planning my life around these dates.
I stepped outside the clinic and called my mom. I cried and told her how hopeful I had been and now it seemed like my lining was sooo far away from what it was supposed to be.. if the medications hadn't worked then, who was to say they would work the 2nd time? As I type this, it all sounds a bit dramatic, but it felt pretty real at the moment.
Since being back, I have strongly felt everyone's prayers. I have felt surrounded by grace and the morning after my appointment, I woke up feeling hopeful again! That is one thing I do not want to lose; Hope. I don't want to walk around like a doubting Thomas, I want the thing that God gives so freely and that is HOPE. It is a gift from Him. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
For the first time since I could remember, I had the feeling of hating my body for failing me. Many infertile women talk about the feeling of their body "failing" them but I had NEVER felt that before. Maybe it was because I was so young when I first got my diagnosis of infertility (at just 17), or maybe it was because I'd always known that my body wouldn't conceive so I never really expected anything from it (fertility wise). The doctor extracted the fluid and prescribed me a few more medications, one to prevent infection and one to help blood flow (I guess this helps the lining?), so now I was on a total of 5 medications. They moved me to another conference room and I sat there waiting for my new medication calendar. Another nurse came in and asked me if it would work with my schedule to come back on April 14, 2 weeks later for another U/S. I fumbled through my carry-on bag to find my planner and flipped through the pages of my planner, fighting back tears. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't over yet, this was just a set back. I mumbled to her that the 14th would work and she left the conference room promising to return with my new prescriptions and meds calendar. I pushed the door a little more closed for some privacy cuz as I caught the excited, bold words of TRANSFER DAY written with such enthusiasm in my planner, my tears came like a flood. I crossed out the words and wrote in small print on the 20th, "tentative transfer day".
There was no enthusiasm.
The door burst open and the cheerful nurse started to hand me my new calendar and prescription, then she saw I was a blubbering mess. I kept apologizing and telling her "I'm sure it seems so silly that I'm crying about this, but i just had my hopes up and everything..." She hugged me and told me that she'd seen thin linings before and now one of those women was pregnant with twins. I smiled back gratefully and hopefully.
I have never before been so wrapped up in a few "dates". The transfer date, the pregnancy testing date (which would've been on Easter Sunday), the due date (around Christmas) etc. It was almost as if I was already planning my life around these dates.
I stepped outside the clinic and called my mom. I cried and told her how hopeful I had been and now it seemed like my lining was sooo far away from what it was supposed to be.. if the medications hadn't worked then, who was to say they would work the 2nd time? As I type this, it all sounds a bit dramatic, but it felt pretty real at the moment.
Since being back, I have strongly felt everyone's prayers. I have felt surrounded by grace and the morning after my appointment, I woke up feeling hopeful again! That is one thing I do not want to lose; Hope. I don't want to walk around like a doubting Thomas, I want the thing that God gives so freely and that is HOPE. It is a gift from Him. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
So, although there are unknowns and there are things that I could be fearful about, I am choosing to pray about these things instead of worry and be joyful that our God is not a God of fear and that He is standing with his arms outstretched.
He is the same God of my last post, where I was full of faith, and He is the same God today and tomorrow. I am choosing to believe He has good things for me, His daughter.
I am trusting in Him.
xxx, Naomi
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Don't lose hope. Have faith
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