Mothers Day

I wanted to preface this blog post with this: This is an extremely "heart on my sleeve" type post and really hard for me to write. But I really believe that it is a huge part of my testimony that God can heal broken hearts and do miracles even in someone who thought they were so right In their own eyes. I also wanted to write this on Mother's Day because I know there are many women out there struggling with infertility and the harsh realities those bring. So, here goes.

Many of you know my story. Many of you are walking with me as I continue to tell my story month in an month out on this blog. It will be 7 years this coming May 31st that I found out that I would never be able to conceive a child. In those few words that were told to me by a kind, but unknowing doctor, my future was ripped apart. I didn't even know how much those words would mean to me 7 years from then. I didn't know how much pain they would bring, how much bitterness and anger that I would fight in order to keep from drowning. 

Those words took away what I thought was my future. Some days I still think that. But other days I see glimpses of the good. Everyday I wish to be pregnant, but some days I understand the good that has come out of not being pregnant. Almost everyday I wish I had an easier path to take, but some days I see that the difficult way has made me who I am and that is better.

Everyone has things that they struggle with in life and continuously battle and my deep weakness has always been bitterness. It seeped down deep and I tried to justify it for so many years. I tried to blame others, be incredibly critical and think and say hurtful things. It had been an ongoing battle and I have by no means finished fighting it, but over the seven years and especially in the last 3 it has gotten better. 

I am embarassed now when I think back to how I thought and how mean spirited I was. I made so many mistakes. About 2 and a half years ago I realized how incredibly wrong I was. How deep rooted the bitterness was in my heart. I thank God for my relationship with Him because He was the only reason that I could become so broken before God to realize how disgusting my heart had become. It was in a church service after Christmas that I literally collapsed in tears during the altar call and became completely broken and torn before God. I broke down all those walls of what I thought was okay, that I kept justifying in my heart, and repented. I apologized and begged for forgiveness to those I had thought and spoke critical words about and begged God to clean my heart and pluck out the deep roots of bitterness I thought would never be able to leave.

I felt completely changed after that day. I still struggle, yes. I still hurt after holding a newborn and wishing so badly it was my turn. I still struggle with the fact that even though I have taken care of 5 children over the last 3 years, in reality I am not really a "real" mother. I wonder, sometimes obsessively, when the day will come where I will have a baby that is all mine and I don't have to wonder if he/she is leaving. I imagine me reading a positive pregnancy test In my bathroom and sharing the euphoria with my husband, even though without a miracle it's impossible. 

I am human. 

I hurt still, sometimes til I think it's unbearable. I cry a lot. I ask God why?

But I also am saved by an immeasurable amount of grace that I do not deserve. And I need that grace everyday. I am humbled by that grace everyday. I do still wonder why God allowed me to be the one who can't conceive, but I do not doubt His grace and mercy and (thank God) forgiveness that abounds everyday.

This Mother's Day was the first where I felt like a mother. I didn't doubt the words when someone wished me a happy Mother's Day. I'm not sure why because nothin really has changed. But I felt a peace wash over me today and I felt Gods words say "soon." Soon my baby is coming. 

I thank God that He has he power to change hearts and that He was able to break through my stubborn one and do a miracle. I may or may not fight this ugly bitterness for the rest of my life, but by the grace of God I can change and become a mother that my children will want to be like someday.

I also just want to say congratulations to my mother-in- love who gave birth to a beautiful Mother's Day blessing this morning. Pictures to come soon! I am so blessed beyond belief to be apart of a family that loves me through my hurt, mistakes, and grief and prays for my little blessing to come soon everyday. 

Wiping away tears now so that I can go wipe my little baby k's sticky hands and do other "mom" things. 

Hugs and prayers to those who may be hurting this Mother's Day,

Naomi