Pumpkins and what God can do in one year

Some of you, who have followed my journey from last year on may already know this story, but just thinking about what God has done in one year brings me to tears.

After experiencing the pain of one failed adoption in July 2012, we got a call out of the blue from our agency in September for another birth mom looking for a young, Christian couple to adopt her unborn baby. She was due October 26th and the baby's gender was unknown. We traveled almost 4 hours to meet her and it was a very exciting time in our lives. After the match meeting, we waited on pins and needles to hear if she wanted to move forward with our family and become "matched", as we waited on the arrival of this precious baby. Several days later, we got a call from our social worker saying that the birth mom wanted to get to know us more and that we could begin preparing to be this child's parents.

The next few weeks that ensued were full of great excitement. We painted and decorated and schemed on how to prepare for the arrival of this precious bundle. I began to pump and take medication to nurse this baby and even starting freezing milk. We drove over the mountains once again to meet with the birth mom and have more time to get to know her... Everything was ready for the baby's arrival and I was about to go crazy when the birth mom when past her due date. All I could think about was this baby. Was it a boy or girl, what would he/she weigh? My every thought was captivated with mothering this child I had never met. Her BM sent us ultrasound pictures and I would stare at them til I fell asleep at night. 

I had one thing that kept me going during those 6 days that she was overdue. I bought an orange pumpkin hat for the baby and told Jason as SOON as we adopted I wanted to go to the nearest pumpkin patch and take pictures. I wanted to capture our little family of four and have that be our Christmas card for our family and friends to see. I had the perfect pumpkin patch picked out and had my camera charged, as well as our suitcases packed to go over the mountain. Diapers and wipes were packed, several boy and girl NB outfits were packed and we were just waiting for "the call."

Well Halloween rolled around and I kept myself busy with taking Baby K to the downtown trick-or-treating and also to a harvest carnival that evening. We went to our Wednesday night church service and our church was showing the movie October Baby. It was barely into the first few minutes when I got the call. I jumped up suddenly from the front row, flashing the lit up cell phone screen to my husband. "This is it," I remembered saying.

I ran out into the foyer and answered my phone. I immediately knew by the sound of my social workers voice that our dreams of being this child's parents were not going to come true. There would be no pumpkin patch picture or baby to put the hat on. She asked me if this was an okay time to talk (??), which was insane; didn't she know I had been waiting about 5 weeks for this moment? I said yes as I held back sobs that were forming in my throat. She told me that the birth mom had gone into labor that afternoon and couldn't go through with her adoption plans. She asked me if there was anything she could do for me...I quickly said no, afraid to say anymore lest I break into a million pieces. I hung up and just as Jas and my MIL and my sister came out into the foyer I literally fell on my husband and collapsed into the most gut wrenching sobs I have ever had. All I could think was why?? Why did we deserve this? Why did we have to go through all this pain and heartache? And also the thought of having to go through the process to adopt again hurt like.... well, you know. I remember that I kept saying "i'm so sorry," to my husband and everyone in the foyer because I felt like I had let everyone down.

Looking back, I see now, that God gave me grace and mercy like rain during the months that followed. I never got my pumpkin patch picture, in fact we never took a Christmas picture that year, which I regret, but it was too hard. We thought Baby K was leaving to NY and that we'd never see him again and Christmas was hard that year.

One year later, now knowing that I will have my Norah and Baby K forever, I stop all the time to take pictures with pumpkins. They remind me of all God has done for me since last year. And that though there is sorrow in the night, joy comes in the morning. My joy is truly there and God has given me the pumpkins to remind me daily this time of year...

And yes, we will be having our Christmas picture taken at the pumpkin patch this year.